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title: Top 100 Reasons Why Picard is Better than Kirk
author: The Patrick Stewart Estrogen Brigade fan club
- 100.
- Kirk is a leader, not a follower.
- Picard is a lover, not a fighter.
- 99.
- Kirk never really got into that kinky "Jumpsuit" look.
- Kirk could never really fit into that kinky "Jumpsuit" look.
- 98.
- Kirk has sex more than once a season.
- Sex with Picard is worth waiting for a whole season.
- 97.
- One Word: Hair.
- One word: sex appeal (OK, two words).
- 96.
- Another Word: Pretty-good-looking-can't-see-the-weave-WIG.
- Another word: Damn-good-looking-don't-need-no-weave!
- 95.
- Kirk can beat up a Klingon bare-handed.
- Picard can beat up a Klingon bare.... (heh-heh) ;->
- 94.
- Picard is a French man with an English accent.
- Kirk doesn't have a sexy accent at all.
- 93.
- Kirk would date Beverly Crusher -- and damn the consequences!!
- Kirk would date anything claiming to be female (see #69).
- 92.
- Kirk never drinks tea. Ever.
- Kirk obviously has a bladder problem.
- 91.
- Diplomacy for Kirk is a phaser and a smirk.
- Diplomacy for Picard is a red bow tie and a smile (and nothing else).
- 90.
- Kirk would personally throw Wesley off his bridge.
- Picard would personally throw Kirk off his bridge.
- 89.
- Two words: Shoulder Roll.
- Two words: Picard Maneuver
- Two more words: Well endowed
- 88.
- Kirk doesn't wear dresses when admirals arrive for lunch.
- Admirals don't WANT to lunch with Kirk.
- Kirk doesn't have the legs for it.
- 87.
- Kirk once said: "I've got a belly-ache -- and it's a beauty."
- Picard (on the SoL) says "I've got a great crew -- and they're all beauties!"
- 86.
- Kirk would never sing to children in a crisis.
- Kirk has no singing voice, that's why they don't bother asking him to sing.
- 85.
- Kirk can almost drive a stick shift.
- Kirk drives his *own* stick shift. ;>
- Picard can ride a horse! :-)
- 84.
- Kirk, almost single-handedly, re-populated the Earth's whale population.
- Kirk secretly wanted to father Earth's whale population.
- 83.
- Kirk says "Prime Directive? What Prime Directive?"
- Picard says "Kirk? What Kirk?"
- 82.
- Kirk knows 20th Century curses.
- Picard has enough brain cells to think up more creative insults.
- 81.
- Kirk was NEVER infiltrated by the Borg and used against the Federation.
- Picard NEVER acted like a horse while some midget rode him.
- 80.
- Kirk ate little colored cubes and still remained relatively healthy.
- Picard knows how to use chopsticks for more than walrus imitations.
- 79.
- Kirk made do with obviously low performance technology.
- Kirk *was* low performance technology...
- 78.
- Kirk never pretends to be a barber in order to gain a tactical advantage.
- Picard never pretends to be a bum to get a date.
- Kirk doesn't have the acting skill.
- 77.
- Kirk wasn't shy about taking his shirt off--even around those pesky Yeomans.
- Picard isn't shy about taking his pants off--even around those pesky Cardassians.
- 76.
- Kirk would never waste a holodeck on something stupid like Dixon Hill.
- Starfleet would never waste a holodeck on someone like Kirk.
- Kirk would waste a holodeck on green Orion slave girls to be at his beck and call.
- 75.
- Kirk never once stood up and had to straighten his shirt.
- Picard never once stood up and had to suck in his gut.
- 74.
- One Word: Velour.
- Three words: Stretch velour jodhpurs
- 73.
- Kirk can beat a Vulcan at Chess.
- Kirk can beat a Vulcan at Chess.
- Picard's counselor can beat an android at chess.
- 72.
- When Kirk was Picard's age, he retired from Admiral and took to climbing rocks.
- Spock shoulda let him fall.
- 71.
- When Picard was 37, he was only Captain of the lowly freighter, Stargazer.
- When Kirk was 37, he was Captain of the flagship Enterprise.
- Kirk slept his way to the top. Picard earned it.
- 70.
- Kirk liked a good belt of liquor every now and again.
- Picard likes a good glass of wine every now and again.
- 69.
- One Word: Iman
- One word: Kamala
- 68.
- Kirk looks good with a ripped shirt.
- Picard looks good with NO shirt (or pants).
- 67.
- If Kirk ever met a Ferengi, he would rip off its head and shit down its neck.
- Picard has better things to do with his time.
- 66.
- Kirk says "Shoot first and wait for retaliation."
- Picard says "Think first and you'll always discover a sensible solution."
- 65.
- Kirk's first officer NEVER tells him to stay on the bridge.
- Kirk's first officer was trying to get rid of him.
- 64.
- Kirk never leaves the room to bawl somebody out.
- Kirk just leaves the room to bawl.
- 63.
- Kirk doesn't rely on the wisdom of some dumb old janitor to get him out of intergalactic scrapes.
- Picard doesn't rely on weak over-acting to get him out of intergalactic scrapes.
- 62.
- Two Words: Funky Sideburns.
- Three Words: No Funky Bellbottoms
- 61.
- Kirk never asks his bartender for advice.
- Picard never asked his Chief Medical Officer to be bartender.
- 60.
- Kirk never once said "Abandon ship! All hands abandon ship!"
- Picard never destroyed his own ship on purpose.
- 59.
- Kirk is not politically correct.
- That's O.K., Kirk's not correct on much else, either.
- 58.
- Kirk never got "dumped" by a woman for an intergalactic busy body named after a letter of the alphabet.
- Picard never got dumped by a woman who would rather chase whales.
- 57.
- Kirk never wore green tights and frolicked about in Sherwood Forest.
- Kirk wouldn't look good in tights. Especially at midseason.
- 56.
- If there was ever a Klingon on Kirk's bridge, Kirk would likely be dead.
- Picard can reason with Klingons.
- 55.
- Ever hear of a bar shooter called "Make it so?" No? How about a
"Beam me up Scotty" then? See the difference?
- Picard's Chief of Engineering has more important things to do
than run the transporter.
- 54.
- One Word: Miniskirts.
- Two words: Bicycle shorts ;->
- 53.
- Kirk's girlfriends always look good in soft light.
- Kirk's girlfriends only look good in soft light.
- 52.
- Kirk never went anywhere without a whole bunch of guys in red shirts.
- Picard takes responsibility for his actions.
- 51.
- Kirk's first officer didn't play some wimpy instrument like the trombone.
- Picard's first officer doesn't play some wimpy instrument like a harp.
- 50.
- Kirk had more dates than his first officer.
- Picard is man enough not to kiss and tell.
- 49.
- The extent of Kirk's knowledge of Klingon vocabulary can be roughly translated as "GO F*CK YOURSELF."
- Kirk couldn't learn a second language if he wanted to.
- 48.
- If something doesn't speak English -- it's toast.
- Kirk always was a little too obsessed with food.
- 47.
- Kirk wasn't some prissy archaeology fan.
- Kirk wouldn't know a 20th Century knife if it Bobbit'ed him
- 46.
- Picard's middle name isn't tough or awe-inspiring like Tiberius is.
- Picard doesn't rely on a middle name to be tough or awe-inspiring.
- 45.
- If Kirk finds a strange spinning probe, he blows it up.
- Is that what you call a blow job?
- 44.
- Picard never met Joan Collins.
- Picard has much better luck.
- 43.
- Picard flunked his entrance exams to Starfleet.
- Kirk cheated on his final exams at Starfleet Academy.
- 42
- Picard hasn't fathered any children; Kirk -- probably millions.
- Picard is smart enough to figure out how to use birth control.
- 41.
- Kirk has a cool phaser -- not some pansy Braun mix-master.
- Picard has cool touch padds -- not some clickety-click buttons.
- 40.
- Two Words: Line Delivery.
- Two Words: Over Acting
- Two words: Rescue 911
- 39.
- Picard grew up on a quaint little French vineyard, squishing grapes with his toes, while Kirk slung bails of wheat and hay in Iowa to put himself through school.
- Picard is cultured. Kirk wouldn't know a salad fork from a dessert fork.
- 38.
- Kirk emphasizes his orations with pertinent hand gestures.
- PSEB knows how Picard emphasizes the important orations.
- 37.
- Kirk once made a cannon out of bamboo, sulfur, potassium nitrate, charcoal and then fired diamonds into the hearts of his enemies. (Need we say more?)
- We know all McGyver-isms are full of shit.
- 36.
- Kirk is not put off by green skin.
- Kirk would have sex with *anything*.
- Picard was never put off by intelligence.
- 35.
- Kirk knows how to deal with peace loving hippy goofs.
- Picard knows how to deal with war-mongering Cardassians, greedy Ferengi, and bloodthirsty Klingons -- without people dying.
- 34.
- Kirk once fought a Greek god. And won.
- Picard IS a Greek god. 'Nuff said.
- 33.
- Kirk barely asks for suggestions. And if he does, he asks Spock only.
- Picard knows the value of advice. Many minds are better than one.
- 32.
- Kirk doesn't let the doctor tell him what to do.
- Picard already *knows* what the doctor wants him to do! ;-)
- 31.
- One Word: Fisticuffs.
- One Word: Cro-Magnon (Kirk, that is... ;-)
- 30.
- Kirk's name is hated throughout the galaxy.
- Picard's name is respected throughout the universe.
- 29.
- Kirk appreciates Shakespeare, but he doesn't let it show.
- Kirk probably believes Shakespeare was a Klingon.
- 28.
- You can never lock up Kirk for very long.
- Some men *like* to be tied up...oh! You said "locked"... ;>
- 27.
- Kirk's eulogies can actually make you cry.
- Picard's eulogies make women swoon.
- 26.
- Kirk plays god with lesser cultures, and then exploits them for resources.
- Picard *is* a god and doesn't need to exploit anyone.
- 25.
- Kirk's son would never drop out to become a musician.
- Picard's son would never do science using unethical methods.
- 24.
- Kirk can climb up a Jeffries Tube and fix anything.
- Kirk tries to climb up any tube he can!
- 23.
- Kirk never hired an engineer with punk glasses.
- Picard never hired an engineer with a drinking problem.
- 22.
- The Klingons didn't have a word for surrender -- until they met Kirk.
- Woman didn't have a word for shallow -- until they met Kirk.
- 21.
- Kirk's bridge is not beige.
- Polyester and Formica don't come in that color.
- 20.
- Two Words: Crane Shots.
- Two Words: Butt shots.
- 19.
- Picard likes wimpy violin music -- and coerces Data into playing it.
- Picard is sensitive enough to realize that love of music is a human strength, not to be belittled.
- 18.
- Picard allows cats on board, while Kirk beams away even really cute things, like Tribbles.
- Cats *like* Picard.
- Kirk only beamed the tribbles away after he found out he couldn't have sex with them.
- 17.
- Kirk is a cultural icon -- Picard is just some guy who's really nice.
- Picard knows he is a really nice guy -- Kirk just thinks he is a cultural icon.
- 16.
- Kirk specifically ordered a swivel LA-Z-BOY for the bridge.
- Clearly showing that he is both LAZY and a BOY.
- 15.
- Kirk would never touch SYNTHAHOL.
- Picard *never* serves Romulan Ale at a diplomatic function.
- 14.
- Kirk looks distinguished in reading glasses -- and nobody dares to call him "four eyes."
- Picard looks distinguished in or out of anything -- and nobody dares to call him baldy.
- 13.
- Kirk can infiltrate Gangsters, Nazis, and even the Pentagon -- easily.
- Picard can infiltrate PSEB's collective bedrooms...easily.
- 12.
- Picard likes painting nudes, for art's sake.
- Picard can get nude models easily; Kirk -- well, maybe he could use a mirror.
- 11.
- When Kirk doesn't trust the Romulans, he fires at them. When
- Picard doesn't trust the Romulans, he gets fired at.
- When Picard doesn't trust the Romulans, he sends Troi over to kick some butt.
- 10.
- Kirk never once, ever, wore a wiener wrapping Speedo banana hammock on shore leave.
- Paramount knew no one would watch the show again if he did.
- There *is* a God.
- 9.
- Kirk never gets his command codes locked out by some pimply acting ensign.
- StarFleet never trusted Kirk with command codes in the first place.
- Picard would never let some Irish-ballad-singing Lieutenant order hot fudge sundaes for the entire crew.
- 8.
- Kirk doesn't test the engines -- he just fires them up.
- This is exactly why the Enterprise, under Kirk, spent most of its five-year mission either without warp drive or adrift.
- 7.
- When Kirk says "Boldly Go," he MEANS it.
- When Picard says "Boldly Go," all the women in the audience collapse in a smoldering heap of estrogen. When he says "Come," they do!
- 6.
- Three Words: Flying Leg Kick
- Three Words: Take me now. ;->
- Three More Words: Chest-Revealing Bedwear
- 5.
- Picard's crew would never ever think of him as a sexual object.
- Wanna make a bet?
- The Looooooooooove Ship is fighting for time with him...
- BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!
- 4.
- Kirk traveled through The Great Barrier, met God, and wasn't even impressed.
- Neither was God.
- 3.
- Kirk's bedroom is a passion pit with electric sheets.
- Picard's bedroom is a passion pit WITHOUT electric sheets.
- 2.
- Kirk would never let his Chief of Security wear a ponytail.
- Kirk's redshirts/Security Chiefs never lived long enough to grow one.
- Picard doesn't need a new Chief of Security every episode.
- 1.
- One Word: Balls.
- One Word: Balls.
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